Amongst the Things I Wanted to Say

Don’t stress out about school and start chain smoking please. I know you’ll probably never get lung cancer but it always made me worry. Start exercising again if you don’t like how you feel, use your ab roller or go out running. I bought those free runners and they feel like my shoes are made of clouds. And the first two years of school will pass by quickly and so will the next couple. I promise. You’ll get your masters and live how you truly desire. Don’t ever have negative feelings about the lifestyle you live. When we’ve gone someplace you offer your help before some even ask. Be safe when you make it to county. I wanted to buy you a taser when you made it there because of things you told me. If working those few extra days at the spa cuts into your studies you should leave. They seem like good friends to you but possibly not the best influences for when you need to focus and work hard. Although I was thinking, since we wouldn’t have much time together between work and school, I’d take you up on that job offer so we could see each other more often. And I wanted to send you this gif of Stitch curling into a ball and rolling away but thought I’d save it for a time right before you had an exam, just to make you smile because I know how much you like that part. I was hoping during winter break we could take a trip and trip out like you’ve always wanted to do with me. I know a place and know someone. I’m sure your connections are better but I was just thinking about cuddling and kissing you in a sleeping bag under the stars. My friend has a few kittens and they still can’t open their eyes but I wanted to go with you to adopt one when they were a bit older, so we could start our animal family and share our home. I didn’t know if it’d be too soon for you but I’m so sorry about Malachi. I really wish you would have wanted me there with you and him. I had so many things I’ve wanted for us you wouldn’t believe. Oh sweetheart, I remembered, you need to get that headlight fixed as well.

I miss you. I miss the nights you’d crawl into bed after work at 1am and you would just want to kiss my face. This was a secret but I always thought it was silly of you because I thought we would have so many more nights like those…now I feel so foolish, I miss them the most. I didn’t know they would be so few. I’ve laid in bed and held your pillow knowing it wasn’t you and still pretended all the same. I’ve washed it to remove your smell and hate myself for it. It’s the only way I’ve been able to sleep for an hour each night these passed weeks. I’ve walked to the bridge and smoked your cigarettes waiting there to offer you one. You never show so I’ll stop going, soon. I’ve talked with God and I’ve asked to make sure you are cared for the way I care for you, and protected by the man you love. I’ve asked that this person accepts all of your past as I have and doesn’t hold anything against you. I ask that he truly be changed, that he be the kind of person that deserves someone so unique as you. That he is gentle with you and that he is rough with you when you need one more than the other. I apologize when I take Gods name in vain and now I wonder if I had been a better man would you have loved me just a little bit more, just enough to want to stay.

I wish we hadn’t let “I love you’s” slip from our mouths when we laughed too much in the middle of the street or kissed too hard in my bed. I wish I didn’t let you drink too much one of those nights because you finally said something with intention and meaning,

"I love you Justin, I love you I love you I love you"

and there were tears in your eyes like there are in mine. And now your voice and those words are always singing and echoing between my ribs and I don’t think there’s space for anything else. When I hear a car on my block at 3am, I can’t help imagining you running up to my gate and pounding on my door asking to come back home. I see discarded cigarettes and now I always fantasize they are yours, and you left them there the night before, deciding you’d rather drive off and be alone instead of in my arms. I always see the cigarette scar I put out on my wrist the night you said people love each other differently……I dream of the baby and the kids names and how you said you didn’t know why you really left three years ago. And I break down every time I think of it because I know the reason was you couldn’t stand the sight of me and you didn’t want me around. I’m just a bad reminder and I wasn’t important to you then, and it feels like now too. It hurt so much to have heard you say so many things you don’t remember confessing to me but I know your life hasn’t been as easy as you think.

I just wanted to be the one thing that never abandoned you.

That picked up those phone calls at 4am after not speaking for a month. To be there when you asked to come over because we both know I will always say “yes.” Just sleeping together in bed, it’s all I’ve thought about for so long. And now you’ve really gone for good.

I just sit here looking at the clock and staring at my phone. Burning cigarettes. Waiting for the sun. Wishing I could be the one to hold you when you cried and kissed you when you laughed. Imagining I could hug you when you graduated and knelt down on my knee when you were ready. You use to give me butterflies when we both were younger, that’s when I thought you were the one …but this time you made me calm, and that’s how I know you were a soulmate.




My feet drag themselves, one behind the other. It is late for some yet there is no time of night or day I am not accustom to. There are few stars in the darkened sky. I am staggering down the street, always feeling like an aimless nomad. Wandering. But I know where I am guided to, the bridge.

As I near it closer and closer, I imagine a most familiar face there already. You are standing in the dim lights and you see me, and the stoicism leaves your face replaced by a shy thankful smile. As I walk closer you vanish from my thoughts and my heart sinks while my breath deepens.

I wait for a foreign hand of death to arrive, to bring the exhilaration of life back into this body. But there is no one this night, just as the last, and the last before that, and before that and before that.

I reach into my pocket for the cigarettes and pull the tar into my mouth. I want this small hand of death to bring the calm I know it can. The calmness you described up on this bridge. Those nights you came here alone to think, to exist and not exist, to be as nothing appears to be. I wait there as the ashes fall and the shallowness of my breath retreats from your absence. The calm is artificial.

I leave from the bridge and remember we spent our first night here.

It always arrive in waves. Always intruding. Always unwanted.

During sleeps of reviving. Urging me again and again to falter.

How I beg for the paralysis of my youth to flee and abandon me. Discard these dreams, remove the thoughts, destroy my wisdom.

Collect and cultivate. As weeds grow in a field. Companions are either flowers of delight or fruits of delicacy.

Let it perish. Let it wither. Let it burn to ashes before time may continue.

Another sleep, yet another dream.

Do I remain?



Whether I am there with you or not, I know you will have a blessed life. You have an aura of grace surrounding you.



5am nightmares

That these thoughts and dreams can be spawned from me is frightening..




ICHYAIS

We all get old, and if we’re lucky.. we get to die.



Asleep in my bed. Exhaustion has worn you down. I stay awake wondering, “is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream?”

Afraid only slightly to close my eyes and have myself awaken somewhere else, somewhere prior, somewhere without you.

Your skin calls to my fingertips and my lips beg for your kiss but I leave you to the sleeping dreams you create.

I’ll wait for the morning to arrive and for your eyes to welcome me back home again.



Some Girls

There are some girls that are simple to figure out..

Some girls just know how to do all the right things around you. They always make you smile. They always make you mad or frustrated. Some girls know how to kiss and fuck, while others know how to dance and sing the songs you grew up with. Some girls treat you better than you deserve. Some girls don’t treat you any good at all. Some girls will honor your vows. Some girls will disrespect your mother and for some reason you will let it slide over and over again.

And then there are girls like this one, sitting across the table from you at dinner drinking a fresh berry burst cider in an average ordinary restaurant on Saturday night.

A girl like this one that you will never figure out, a girl that will always surprise you with her reactions or her comments..

A girl like this that only comes around once in a life time unless you get as lucky as I have and find her two, three, maybe four times, and always rotating back across the infinity of space like a celestial force of nature.

A girl like this one that you will never figure out, and you hope against all intuition and all sense of self worth that you never do. You hope she remains as mysterious as the first day you saw her as a stranger, all the way down to the last.

That’s the kind of girl that makes “some girls” disappear, that’s the kind of girl that is more than just the planets and stars whom are stuck in an endless charade of a cosmic ballet, that is the gravity.

SHE is the gravity.



I don’t want to read what I write to anyone or have them read what I have written.



Even though we spent most the time in my room laying around napping and content in our mutual silence, the room was so quiet after you left that I felt like I was somewhere else.

Stranded.



There’s a much better person for you in this world. Someone that won’t just let you lay in bed alone. Someone that will take care of you. Someone who will provide. Someone that will motivate you to get out of bed on your own. Someone that you will want to take care of even though you feel down. Someone that will nourish your spirit so deeply you make your dreams come true.

It isn’t him.

Let him go.

You have to let him go so you can continue with your life.

Get your own phone line. Block his number. Give up the cigarettes. Give up the drugs, prescription or otherwise. Continue meditating. Focus your energy back into your studies. Reapply to schools. You can make those dreams come true. You can take care of people the way you know of but there are other ways as well.

I’ve cared for you for a very long time and I’ve loved you with every one of these damn molecules keeping me together and I just want you to be happy again.

Beyond chemical imbalance. Beyond break ups. Beyond materialism and narcotics.

Beyond apathy and ambition. Beyond the past and the silence. Beyond the sex and fucks and connections and the one time I felt you made love to me.

I said it before and I will again, I am always going to be here for you. If you push me away after these days together. I understand. And it’s cool. I’ll miss you, just like I always have but maybe it’s like how you thought it should be in the beginning when you said you had no room in your life for me, and maybe it should’ve been how I said, that you need space from him and from me, though I am barely an after thought, but you can still find me years from now …and I might have the doors to my house locked up but you know where I keep the spare.


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